Talking dirty to the one you love (or even just the one you’re with) is one of those sexual behaviors people are uncomfortable with the first time they do it, even more so the first time they do it with a new partner. To do it well means letting loose and exposing yourself which always feels scary and is a very difficult step to take. Here are some steps to getting comfortable with dirty talk and ideas for introducing it into your sex play.
Be authentic in your dirty talk.
Dirty talk can feel silly if you expect it to be what you’ve seen in the movies. You might have this idea that dirty talk is something specific. But good dirty talk is completely what you make it, and to do it well, you have to be yourself. While you may take on a role in your dirty talk (e.g. the ravished submissive) you need to find something of yourself in the role. Make a list of different aspects of your personality you can draw on for inspiration.
Find your dirty talk voice.
You need to find your own way of talking dirty. Your dirty talk might be low rhythmic grunts, high-pitched squeals, or precise whispers. It might reflect the way you talk in your daily life, or it might express a different aspect of your personality. You don’t need to pick only one voice; the element of surprise can add an extra sense of anticipation, especially when your partner doesn’t know what they’re going to get an earful of next!
Expand your dirty talk vocabulary.
Most of us are raised not to swear. Dirty talk is your opportunity to pull out all the stops on the foul mouth express. Unless you’re role-play calls for it, avoid clinical terms (like penis or vagina). If you’re at a loss, do some research. Both of the books recommended below have lists of words. But you can do research online by reading some raunchy erotica or in some cases watching porn (although the dirty talk in porn tends to be unimaginative).
Practice dirty talk when you’re alone.
Carol Queen, author of the highly recommended Exhibitionism for the Shy , suggests starting on your own, talking dirty while you masturbate. Fantasize about having sex with your partner and talking dirty to them. You can start by doing it in your head, but eventually do it out loud.
Establish ground rules with your partner.
One of the reasons many of us don’t talk dirty is fear of sounding ridiculous, or being put down or rejected by a partner. It’s important to set some rules when you’re willing to take risks like this. Rules like no laughing at one another, and no judgment are important. In the heat of the moment anything can come out of your mouth, and you need to know that your partner is respectful of the ways that can be exposing.
Start slow the first time.
Don’t feel you have to rush right into elaborate verbal gymnastics. A great way to start with dirty talk is to describe out loud what is happening during sex. Things like “I love the way your hand feels in my …….” Or “Your ………. feels so good on/in my …….” Describe what’s happening and how it feels in and on your body. You can also experiment by telling your partner something you’re going to do to them, or something you want them to do to you.
Experiment with your dirty talking voice.
Most of us take for granted all the different things we can do with our voice, and the impact these changes have. Experiment with speed, how fast you talk. Some things call for a staccato barrage, while some things are best said slowly. Change the volume of your voice, try whispering, try screaming, try everything in the middle. Also play with the tenor of your voice. You can sound commanding and harsh, trembling and uncertain, and everywhere in between.
Make dirty talking a two-way conversation.
Once you’ve taken the risk and initiated talking dirty with your partner, ask them to do the same. It isn’t for everyone, and you might find that you like doing it more than hearing it (or vice versa). But being on the receiving and the giving end of dirty talk can give you a different perspective on it, plus you may learn a few things from your partner you didn’t already know. Listen as carefully as you can to what they say, what they actually talk about, it will give you a very good insight into both what they think YOU like (they say dirty things to try and arouse you) as well as what turns them on (they call on their own preferences and enjoyments to base their dirty talk).
The hard thing for most people who want to learn to talk dirty is getting comfortable saying the actual words.
Dirty talk usually (but not always) involves a bit of raunch, giving voice to words you’d just not say out loud in “polite company”. While you might be playing out a fantasy involving a molecular biologist and a computer programmer, more often than not the words that want to come out of our mouths in the heat of passion are a bit less clinical.
But most of us are raised being told certain words (specifically about sexual body parts and sexual acts) are wrong, offensive, embarrassing, or otherwise off limits for “decent people”. As a result we may feel embarrassed and expect our partner to reject our attempts at dirty talk. And in some cases they are totally correct – calling someone a “cunt” or a “dick” is not polite or good manners in general company. But this generalized rule is where a lot of our repressed guilt takes over, from where we feel least comfortable actually talking dirty.
But consider – when you talk dirty during sex, you are talking dirty to a special person in a special environment of privacy where IT IS allowable and acceptable.
“Fuck me now, fuck me and keep just fucking me until I come” is a very common expression/phrase many women would dearly love to be able to scream at the top of their voices during sex, trust me. The sensation of pussy filled with cock thrusting in and out is what our bodies were specifically built and shaped for – to give pleasure during sex to encourage us to have more sex – so why not use that to our advantage?
So do it ladies.
Just shout it out.
Your guy will think he is fucking you like an absolute stud and keep hammering away at you, keen to have you orgasm on him. You’ll love to say it because it sets you free, it lets you tell it like it is and to be demanding and urgent to claim your satisfaction!
A great tip to bypass this embarrassment and free your inner cunning linguist (I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it) is to try talking dirty in a language your partner doesn’t understand.
Telling your partner what you want them to do with you (or a specific part of you) may feel strange at first, but you’d be amazed how much more comfortable it feels when you know they can’t actually understand the details of what your saying.
Granted however, this dirty talk tip involves some homework. You don’t need to go out and learn an entire new language (although people have done worse things for sex). You just need to learn a few words, and something about pronunciation and you’re off to the races. Try typing “sex words in French/German/Spanish” into Google and see what comes up.
Tip: It can be hard to find “sex words” in most language classes. Look for words about the body, and experiment with those. Remember, if your partner does not know the language, an ear is as good as an elbow or somewhere a bit south of there.
(Here’s the Carol Queen book mentioned earlier. If you feel shy about talking dirty or even just about sex and you in general – well, just read the reviews on Amazon and see for yourself.